Now that we all know that The Timberlake is engaged, I just want to reassure everyone that was worried about he and I’s future relationship, that it would not have worked anyway. You see, Justin and I have differences that would tear apart our romance, and I just didn’t want him to have to go through that pain and anguish. Despite the fact that I may or may not own his albums on vinyl and had a poster of ‘NSYNC in my bedroom growing up, I am willing to admit that he and I could not weather the difficult seas of love, and here’s why;
Reasons why Justin Timberlake and I would have never worked out:
1. I would probably bring up embarassing moments for him constantly, like the ‘wardrobe malfunction’ that happened at the Superbowl between him and Janet Jackson and the jerry curl that he used to sport (even though I adore big hair).
He would hate my witty puns about his past mistakes and feel that they were real digs against him. You see, with his high-pitched voice, there’s bound to be a sensitive nerve or two in his body, and I would find a way to step on it.
2. I would distract him from making a new album. I mean, it’s been nearly 6 years (can you believe it?) since ‘FutureSex / LoveSounds’, my roadtrip staple and guaranteed-to-make-you-have-a-dance-party album, was released and if we were together, he would be so busy learning ukulele to impress me and looking for adorable puppies on the internet to send me pictures of and watching marathons of Doctor Who with me to ever have time to get back in the studio.
3. I was never a member of the Mickey Mouse Club. He would silently judge me for this.
4. For a long time I thought “Timbaland” was a place, not the name of his producer. He would silently judge me for this.
5. I am wearing sweatpants right now. He would silently judge me for this.
6. I would email YouKnowWhat’sCool.com to him and laugh when he opened it and then he would feel like his role in The Social Network wasn’t worth anything. But it was, Justin! We were all rooting for you! You delivered! You played that Napster guy with such confidence, such fearlessness! It’s just Aaron Sorkin’s fault that this line turned into an internet meme and makes us all laugh! We take you seriously as an actor!
7. I don’t have an all-denim ensemble to match the one he wore with Britney circa 2001 (yet).
Everyone knows that clothing trends come back, and I don’t want him to have to rock this look alone. Worst of all, I don’t want him to walk into my closet (because at this point in our relationship, I am comfortable asking him for style advice) and not see enough material that coordinates with him and his GQ reputation.
9. His parody to Beyonce’s All The Single Ladies video was more popular than any that I ever made. I wouldn’t be able to handle his bragging about it.
10. Justin is a multi-million-dollar recording artist and I am a unemployed blogger who makes lists about why he and I would not work. This seems sufficient enough.
So, sorry J-Timbs (can I call you J-Timbs?), but it’s just not going to work. We were doomed from the start, just like the photoshoot ‘NSYNC did with the glitter. Enjoy your life with Jessica Biel! I hope she is everything you dreamed of. She better not start writing a blog anytime soon, though. I hear competition is pretty fierce.