Tag Archives: makeup

Beauty Tips That I Didn’t Know But Now I Know

Matching your fingernail and toenail colors makes it look like you have your life organized and planned out and makes your typing much more productive at work, even when you just had to google a basic Microsoft Excel function because adulthood doesn’t come with a manual

Dark lipstick is great for intimidating men who walk up to you at a bar and say something like, “Why is your lipstick so dark?” as if this is what they perceive to be a clever pickup line when you know it’s dark because when that particular color hits your lips you look like a flawless goddess from an island of angels who somehow live half in heaven and half on earth so clearly it’s my earth-half time right now which is how I ended up in this bar in the first place; in other words, my lipstick is so dark because it looks GREAT, THANKS

On that same note, here is a list of people who can wear dark lipstick:

  • happy people
  • sad people
  • nice people
  • mean people
  • quiet people
  • loud people
  • people with a light complexion
  • people with a dark complexion
  • people who love socializing
  • people who hate socializing
  • people with hair of any color
  • people with no hair
  • people who own dark lipstick
  • people who don’t own dark lipstick yet

The Cosmetic Gods only allow your eyeliner wings to completely perfectly match approximately 10 times in your entire life- no more than that, no matter how many Sephora points you have. You’ll never exactly know when one of the 10 is about to happen, but when it does, take a step back and take it all in and take a selfie or two. You don’t even have to post said selfie, but you can keep it in a folder and look back at the one time everything came together for the good and made sense for just a few seconds, just a few beautiful seconds of perfection (Just don’t get too emotional unless your liner is waterproof)

17-year-old makeup blogger gurus on Youtube will somehow always know more  about contouring and strobing and baking and undertones than you. Don’t question it, don’t try to figure out why, but instead accept it and let it happen beyond your control like you do ATM fees, traffic jams, older people who post articles from The Onion on Facebook thinking they’re real, the sandwich artist who adds too much mustard to your sandwich when you clearly asked for light mustard, Justin Bieber’s choices in haircuts, Justin Bieber’s life choices in general, rain, allergies, etc.

Your eyebrows are sisters, not twins (that being said, there’s probably one sister you’d like to send off to boarding school until she gets her life together because honestly how is it so hard to grow the right way, you have one job, sister, and you’re not even showing up for work, I mean, it’s like you took a vacation without inviting the rest of my face and it’s all going south, much like this entire brow metaphor)

The face you make when you put on mascara is a gift to be shared with the world and you should never apologize for it

That being said, the lipstick-off-the-teeth-around-the-finger trick is best executed indoors, alone, away from judgy eyes

Blush is fun because blush can make it look like you worked out and got your blood pumping and became flushed with energy when actually the most physical thing you did today was heavy breathing from almost accidentally liking your ex’s 17-week-old photo on Instagram

Washing your makeup brushes at least once a week will help your skin breathe and make your products go on so much better and smoother, but also will therapeutically remove all the grossness of the last week and welcome the new fierceness that is just around the corner because maybe the money you could have spent on actual therapy you have actually spent on makeup, so it all balances out in way, I think

One time I thought it would be funny for Halloween to put on really heavy eye shadow and mascara and then cry some of it off or splash it with water and then when people asked, “What are you supposed to be?” I could just start singing that song that goes, “CAUSE YA HAD A BAD DAY, YOU’RE TAKIN ONE DOWN, YOU SING A SAD SONG JUST TO TURN IT AROUND” and I was convinced it would be so hilarious but I never really executed the idea, so there’s a freebie if you’d like to use it this year, also what ever happened to that guy who sang Bad Day? Is he still around? How much did he make from competitive singing reality shows that used to play that song every time someone lost? Did his day ever improve?

Finding a foundation shade that you love forever is hard, and when you finally find it, somewhere down the rocky road of loving your look, it will be discontinued or the price will increase or the formula will be altered and you’ll be back at square one, but, much like life, there are endless options available. You can start fresh and new whenever you want, no matter how much it seems like you’re stuck. Every single minute is a chance to break a bad habit or expand your knowledge or hold open a door for someone else or apply for a new opportunity or write a blog post for the first time in months or do just 10 more minutes on that treadmill. Changing your path isn’t as hard or heartbreaking as it seems, as long as you keep your chin up

(…and blended. For the love, please please please blend your foundation along your chin and jawline and fade it into your neck, please just do this one thing, I swear I’m not an expert but I love you and I want the best for you and your face and it looks so much better when there’s not a chin line, promise.)