Tag Archives: justin timberlake

I Blame Justin Timberlake And The Hummus

I was going to write a New Year’s resolution post, or rather, finish it, but then it struck me that finishing said post was the point.

I had all these intentions but then things go sour or I get stressed, and so instead of writing, I come home and lay facedown on my bed and listen to a whole Ryan Adams album while half-moping, with a distressed golden retriever by my side who would like to help, but also is confused as to why I am not petting him every 2 minutes.

You see, I wanted to write about everything today. I wanted to write about how obsessed I am with the fact that Justin Timberlake announced that he’s returning to music and how also Destiny’s Child is releasing new music and how hearing this made me both scream, “BEST DAY EVER” and also not able to move my hands correctly to type a “hooray!” text to everyone for some time because they were shaky with happiness. I wanted to write about January things and about what I’ve learned so far in 2013 and about the dream I had last night in which Stevie Nicks (!!!) appeared and told me to keep going.  I wanted to write about how my boyfriend finally downloading emojis on his iPhone has been both the best and worst thing to happen in the past week. I wanted to write about Honey Boo Boo Child and I wanted to write about pizza. I wanted to write about my best friend becoming a featured contributor on my favorite website. I wanted to write about the napkins with pugs on them that a dear friend sent me in the mail and I wanted to write about how I have so many crafty ideas now that I discovered I have both spray adhesive AND glitter in the living room, currently at arms reach.

I wanted to write, I really did. But then something came up- like it always does – and I didn’t. I got distracted by a text message, maybe. Mostly, I read a blog post that I think is cleverer and more on point than my words and that made me discouraged, which instead, should have inspired me to write. Or maybe I got distracted by the hummus in my fridge and how it would taste on a Wheat Thin. Or 49 Wheat Thins. Or maybe I was about to type “wordpress.com” into my browser but then took a detour and found myself in a black hole of online shopping, adding too many things I can’t afford to my cart. Or maybe I just forgot, just put it off, just moved on to the next thought.

But, like it or not, I’m a reluctant writing addict. Words and sentences and paragraphs are art to me, are therapy to me, are home to me. There’s so many situations I have gotten over by writing about them or made better by writing about them or been able to laugh so hard at by writing about them. I have so many dumb stories and moments that I assume no one can relate to or no one cares about, but then I write them down and- BAM! – I realize I’m not the only one. Published or unpublished, typed or handwritten, full complete sentences or words on a page – they’re all important. Writing is something I come back to, but not nearly enough.

So I’ll get back to those New Year’s Resolutions later, but the top of the list is to WRITE and write, write, write and then write some more.

Write when it’s easy and write even more when it’s hard. Write seriously and write mockingly. Write for fun and write for work. Write Thank You cards and personal birthday cards and don’t slack on an email when it would take 5 minutes more to make your point better. Write down things you are thankful for and write down things you want to change. Write blog posts even if the idea of having a blog makes you feel silly and almost embarrassed sometimes. Write til your fingers bleed- figuratively or literally. Write compliments to yourself on your mirror in lipstick. Write fake ad campaigns and jingles for commercials that are better than the current ones you hear while you are waiting for the newest episode of “The Mindy Project” to play on Hulu. Write to your parents. Write to people you wish you could meet. Write poems that rhyme and write love letters you’ll never send and write your grocery lists in your best cursive with hearts above all the i’s. Write when you’re in a bad mood, write when you are stressed, write when you are broke. Write when you are overjoyed, write when you are in love, write when you can’t imagine a better day.

Most of all, write and don’t stop. Don’t compare your words to anyone’s but your own, and don’t be afraid to try new ones. Constantly write the thoughts in your head down somewhere. Write notes in the margins of your books. Write in other languages. Write down your big ideas and write down that funny quote your friend said at brunch. Write down lists of fake band names that you’d use if you were ever a rockstar. Write scripts that may never see the light of a studio, write songs that you may never sing, but, more than anything, just write.

And when you think you’ve written enough, write another page.

Or write another blog post…about writing.

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Why It Would Have Never Worked Between Justin Timberlake And I

Now that we all know that The Timberlake is engaged, I just want to reassure everyone that was worried about he and I’s future relationship, that it would not have worked anyway. You see, Justin and I have differences that would tear apart our romance, and I just didn’t want him to have to go through that pain and anguish. Despite the fact that I may or may not own his albums on vinyl and had a poster of ‘NSYNC in my bedroom growing up, I am willing to admit that he and I could not weather the difficult seas of love, and here’s why;

Reasons why Justin Timberlake and I would have never worked out:

1. I would probably bring up embarassing moments for him constantly, like the ‘wardrobe malfunction’ that happened at the Superbowl between him and Janet Jackson and the jerry curl that he used to sport (even though I adore big hair).

He would hate my witty puns about his past mistakes and feel that they were real digs against him. You see, with his high-pitched voice, there’s bound to be a sensitive nerve or two in his body, and I would find a way to step on it.

2. I would distract him from making a new album. I mean, it’s been nearly 6 years (can you believe it?) since ‘FutureSex / LoveSounds’, my roadtrip staple and guaranteed-to-make-you-have-a-dance-party album, was released and if we were together, he would be so busy learning ukulele to impress me and looking for adorable puppies on the internet to send me pictures of and watching marathons of Doctor Who with me to ever have time to get back in the studio.

3. I was never a member of the Mickey Mouse Club. He would silently judge me for this.

4. For a long time I thought “Timbaland” was a place, not the name of his producer. He would silently judge me for this.

5. I am wearing sweatpants right now. He would silently judge me for this.

6. I would email YouKnowWhat’sCool.com to him and laugh when he opened it and then he would feel like his role in The Social Network wasn’t worth anything. But it was, Justin! We were all rooting for you! You delivered! You played that Napster guy with such confidence, such fearlessness! It’s just Aaron Sorkin’s fault that this line turned into an internet meme and makes us all laugh! We take you seriously as an actor!

7. I don’t have an all-denim ensemble to match the one he wore with Britney circa 2001 (yet).

(never forget)

Everyone knows that clothing trends come back, and I don’t want him to have to rock this look alone. Worst of all, I don’t want him to walk into my closet (because at this point in our relationship, I am comfortable asking him for style advice) and not see enough material that coordinates with him and his GQ reputation.

8. If we ever karaoke’d, I would forbid him from singing “Space Cowboy”…just so I could have the upper hand in the relationship. And, of course, in respect of Lisa “Left-Eye” Lopes. (R.I.P.)

9. His parody to Beyonce’s All The Single Ladies video was more popular than any that I ever made. I wouldn’t be able to handle his bragging about it.

10. Justin is a multi-million-dollar recording artist and I am a unemployed blogger who makes lists about why he and I would not work. This seems sufficient enough.

So, sorry J-Timbs (can I call you J-Timbs?), but it’s just not going to work. We were doomed from the start, just like the photoshoot ‘NSYNC did with the glitter. Enjoy your life with Jessica Biel! I hope she is everything you dreamed of. She better not start writing a blog anytime soon, though. I hear competition is pretty fierce.

(Photo sources 1 & 2)