Replacing our names with our favorite emojis in a row, which sounds quirky and millennial and somewhat cute, but will probably cause mass chaos and a loss of the written word that frankly, is a bit startling. (Mine will be the hairflip girl, the block of cheese and the cactus)
A Starbucks drink that’s just their biodegradable napkins torn up and drenched in vanilla syrup with espresso poured on top, because at this point they are out of ideas, yet the flavor-hungry masses must be kept on the edge of their Frappuccino-stained car seats in the drive-thru, ya know?
Selfie-ships; you won’t actually date this person or be in a relationship with this person, but you’ll both be in a binding pact to always like each other’s selfies from multiple accounts in order to bolster a fake and yet real self confidence. You’ll know it’s getting serious when they leave casual comments about the filter you chose as well.
People will nominate and write-in popular food pins from Pinterest for President as a joke (zoodles, mini pizzas in cupcake pans, chik-fil-a sauce recipe knockoffs, crockpot everything) but a slice of avocado toast end up taking the popular vote in at least 3 states, unashamedly
Shoes that actually morph into those ridiculous hoverboards that apparently every child and Internet Celebrity got for Christmas, which, I think will rule out guys that I see as potential dating partners, since I’ll just be able to look down and immediately judge. Also, while we’re on the subject, those lil Segway skateboard contraptions are NOT actually hoverboards because they have WHEELS and Marty McFly did not go into the future to settle for a sub-par hover experience, so maybe call them something else, okay, America??? Can we at least reserve “Hoverboard” for the Year 2022 invention that finally comes along when we defeat Bif Tannen and also finally get Jaws in 3D??? Is nothing sacred?!
Nutella, but packaged in those E-Z Cheese squeezy cans
Skill-learning educational classes streaming on Netflix that actually teach you the basic principles of detective work/police investigation/the American Justice System/med school/therapy/human psychology/computer hacking so that the feeling we all get of “Now that I have watched this fictional show about a subject, I am an expert on this subject” can be real. Looking at you, people who watch: How To Get Away With Murder, Making A Murderer, generally all shows with “murder” in the title, Grey’s Anatomy, Criminal Minds, Law & Order, Dexter, Buffy The Vampire Slayer (Oh, you didn’t need some type of therapy for the emotional highs and lows of Buffy??? What are you, an emotionless robot?) Mr. Robot, Lost, Six Feet Under, etc.
Rose gold everything, because there is never enough rose gold and you cannot stop me from buying it obsessively
Whole slices of cake. Listen, donuts have had their fun this year with National Donut Day, toppings of cereal and bacon and fried chicken and probably diamonds. They have appeared in so many staged Instagrams, they have been printed on every mug, notebook, phone case, and t-shirt at Forever21 so that the teenage girl wearing said shirt can tell the world “I Donut Care” or “I Donut Have Time For That” but how satisfying would it be to see people just carrying around huge slices of cake as breakfast on their morning commute and making them go viral with adorable icing-smeared photoshoots? Cake stays good a lot longer, cake is even good cold, and here’s a free t-shirt slogan for you: “Don’t Cake On My Plans” (It needs some work, I know)
Earmuffs. Nothing says classy like intentional fuzz in and around your ears
People actually put down their phones and talk to each other and pay attention to how fast our days go by and how much of life is spent alone on the internet when there is a rich, beautiful world out there!!!! (Except the time that you spend reading this blog. That internet alone time is very important in making me go viral)
This blog and I will go viral (but it’ll be for something stupid like a video of me ugly crying at another video of pug puppies or that one of my tweets to Oprah is finally replied to)