A woman I look up to daily, Miranda Lambert, has her own wine line, and I’ve always been jealous of her puns- in particular, the “White Liar” Chardonnay. At this point in time, if you’re interested, you can also enjoy wines curated and created by Drew Barrymore, AC/DC, Sting, and the beards over at Duck Dynasty, so I figured that if any major celebrity could make it happen, I should take my own crack at it. Besides, if you never try (the wine), you’ll never know (if you should drink the whole bottle).
So, may I present:
The Lion-Haired Girl Wine Line!
– a full-bodied red that looks good when held in your well-manicured hand and rocking your J. Crew shirtdress that you stalked online until it went on sale and rationalized as a great office wardrobe staple for an after-hours event.* ( *Does not actually contain any alcohol whatsoever, so that you don’t make any embarrassing comments at a work function, but still can sip like an adult.)
“I only wanted an appetizer anyway”
— a bubbly Rosé that hits you with a surprisingly sharp finish, akin to the feeling of opening a menu at a really nice restaurant and realizing while you don’t go out, and no, 2-for-1-pizza-and-beers-night doesn’t count
“Call Your Parents”
— a Pinot Grigio that once chilled and opened, should be finished within the evening. Though initially tart, it develops a sweet aftertaste the more you let it breathe, and once your defenses are down, you realize that they’re really on your side and want the best for you in every situation. The grapes, I mean. The grapes definitely want the best for you.
— I’ll be honest, it’s actually not a wine we make in-house. This is just Barefoot Moscato or Skinnygirl Margarita, depending on just how your night is going and bank account looks.
— a single-serving-sized mini bottle of Cabernet that doesn’t need to be chilled, so that it can be busted out at any time to console a past decision, problem, person, hair color, or terrible moment that still cripples you, but can be finished quickly so you don’t linger on these feelings AND so that you don’t feel pressure to down a whole bottle so it doesn’t ‘spoil’. Popular for weeknights.
“Reality TV is A Hobby”
– a sparkling white that you’re almost embarrassed to buy, but it’s just so easy to drink. Comes with a bedazzled glass that can hold the entire bottle, so you don’t have to share. Pairs well with a Real Housewives marathon (Beverly Hills, Orange County or Atlanta preferred, but any city works).
Sold in a 2-pack with our other popular sparkling white wine,
— tastes exactly like a Pumpkin Spice Latte, actually.
“21st Century Breakup”
— a blend of grapes that don’t really go together, but you try to rationalize that it’s going to taste good anyway. The label might be a little deceiving, or it might have aged a little too long. A small sensor in the top of the bottle sends a text alert to your 4 best girlfriends when you uncork it, while at the same time locking your personal phone and computer from all social media and texting functions. It always gives you a headache the next morning, but that’s because you’re not really yourself when you’re drinking it, and these things take time. (Can be ordered in bulk.)
“The Small Things!”
— an extra dry champagne that’s not hard on your wallet. It’s sold with non-optional edible glitter to add to each glass. Customers have told us they used it to celebrate job promotions, birthdays, graduations and engagements, as well as good hair and lipstick days, paying off credit cards, new pets, mastering a Pinterest recipe on the first try, welcoming a new friend, making a fitness goal and actually achieving it, getting enough hours of sleep, and simply being thankful for your life and letting yourself gently learn from mistakes. (Can also be ordered in bulk.) (Should be ordered in bulk.)