Things I Have Been Irrationally Afraid Of

I’m not here to laugh at real anxiety, because I suffer from it. But let’s be honest and say that I am not the best at judging fears and every now and then you have to take a step back and actually realize what it is that scares you and go, “really?”.

Here’s a small (not complete by any means) list of things I have been irrationally afraid of (or am currently still afraid of):

Animatonic Santas

Doodles, the old chicken mascot for Chik-Fil-A

The Chuck E. Cheese gang of animals on the stage

Disneyworld, there’s just a lot happening

Basically anyone or anything in a mascot suit, always

The boulder from Indiana Jones showing up in my real life and crushing me

Accidentally being in the HOV lane illegally and not realizing it because the lanes are different in Tennessee

My moccasins becoming untied and me tripping over the strings

Sending a typo in a job-related email

Getting a cavity

The blades of my fan falling on me while I sleep

LEAVING MY CURLING IRON ON ACCIDENTALLY AND BURNING THE HOUSE DOWN

Someday being in a band that takes requests and then not knowing the song someone in the audience requested

Serving someone food that I made and them having an intense allergic reaction to it immediately

Losing my retainer in the ocean while scuba diving*

Living my whole life without knowing that I’ve been recorded 24/7 like The Truman Show

Running out of gas on any road, anywhere, as soon as my gas light comes on

My phone battery dying at the DMV

My phone battery dying while I am in line at the Post Office

My phone battery dying and there suddenly appears a puppy that I want a picture of

Getting to the register at any store to pay with a giftcard and finding out the giftcard has a balance of $0.00

Drinking something that is too hot and burning my tastebuds off forever, never getting to enjoy food ever again

Making a classic rock musical reference and no one getting it

Making a Buffy reference and no one getting it

Making an Arrested Development reference and no one getting it

Making references to things, in general

Clowns

Someone reading my own blog aloud to me on a loop, forever

Missing one tiny patch of hair while shaving my legs and everyone staring at it later

Trying to separate my trash at Whole Foods into compost and recyclable and putting the wrong material in the wrong bin**

My foot falling asleep AND THEN NEVER WAKING UP

Becoming famous for something really dumb

Finding a secret passageway to another vortex or a time machine but no one believing me

The working world one day decides to start taking grades like high school all over again

Basically any version of “high school all over again”

Whales

My alma mater calling me up and saying, “Hey, remember that college degree you got? Joke’s on you! Totally photoshopped!”

Not drinking enough water and turning into a human cactus

Washing a piece of clothing that clearly says “Dry Clean Only” and like, the Laundry Police showing up and arresting me

Being the only person off beat in a crowd clapping situation

The bottle of hair dye I bought ends up being straight bleach/lacquer thinner

Breaking a ukulele string

Writing the wrong amount on a check

Calling someone my best friend or boyfriend and them totally not agreeing and looking at me like a crazy person

Toe socks

Sneezing while getting a tattoo and it being messed up…FOREVER

Never getting a real job and forever being an intern/assistant and then just turning 80 and being like, well, I tried

Putting too much garlic salt and/or sriracha and/or cheese on something and ruining it

Just kidding. What’s “too much cheese”?

*I’ve come extremely close
**And everyone there laughing at me for not knowing what goes where, everyone in their perfect hipster Whole Foods outfits and fixed gear bikes
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6 responses to “Things I Have Been Irrationally Afraid Of

  1. You and I both.

    You know I’m irrationally afraid of being sick (at all, in any way) and then, ironically, I’m afraid of doctors.

    Also, to add on the fear of hair dye– I have a fear of using shampoo that someone let me borrow or was put in a shower for guests to use, and it being filled with Nair or something of the like as a cruel joke, and me coming out of the shower, drying my hair and pulling out huge chunks, leaving me with bald patches all over my head.

  2. I loved reading this :)

    I have an irrational fear of people turning down the car radio all ninja-fast and I’m singing the wrong lyrics. At the same time. That or getting a haircut and saying “Just like, the smallest fraction possible. I mean, I don’t even want it to look I even HAD a haircut, really.” And then I end up with a bob or really bad bangs.

  3. I totally worry about the Truman Show thing. Like, right now I’m wondering if you including that in your list was somehow a coded hint to me to help me figure it out and escape the hermetically sealed dome I’ve lived my whole life in observation until now!!!!

  4. Clowns. Anything or anybody in a mascot suit. That holds true for me, a little more heavily than i like to admit. Christmas time is the worst when there are Santas everywhere.
    Similar to the Truman show, i’m actually scared about there being hidden video cameras in every hotel room i check-in in and every changing room, planted there by perverts and peeping toms.

  5. Mascots and clowns. THEY COULD BE ANYONE. DONT LET THEM TOUCH YOUR CHILDREN.

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