I’m not here to laugh at real anxiety, because I suffer from it. But let’s be honest and say that I am not the best at judging fears and every now and then you have to take a step back and actually realize what it is that scares you and go, “really?”.
Here’s a small (not complete by any means) list of things I have been irrationally afraid of (or am currently still afraid of):
Animatonic Santas
Doodles, the old chicken mascot for Chik-Fil-A
The Chuck E. Cheese gang of animals on the stage
Disneyworld, there’s just a lot happening
Basically anyone or anything in a mascot suit, always
The boulder from Indiana Jones showing up in my real life and crushing me
Accidentally being in the HOV lane illegally and not realizing it because the lanes are different in Tennessee
My moccasins becoming untied and me tripping over the strings
Sending a typo in a job-related email
Getting a cavity
The blades of my fan falling on me while I sleep
LEAVING MY CURLING IRON ON ACCIDENTALLY AND BURNING THE HOUSE DOWN
Someday being in a band that takes requests and then not knowing the song someone in the audience requested
Serving someone food that I made and them having an intense allergic reaction to it immediately
Losing my retainer in the ocean while scuba diving*
Living my whole life without knowing that I’ve been recorded 24/7 like The Truman Show
Running out of gas on any road, anywhere, as soon as my gas light comes on
My phone battery dying at the DMV
My phone battery dying while I am in line at the Post Office
My phone battery dying and there suddenly appears a puppy that I want a picture of
Getting to the register at any store to pay with a giftcard and finding out the giftcard has a balance of $0.00
Drinking something that is too hot and burning my tastebuds off forever, never getting to enjoy food ever again
Making a classic rock musical reference and no one getting it
Making a Buffy reference and no one getting it
Making an Arrested Development reference and no one getting it
Making references to things, in general
Clowns
Someone reading my own blog aloud to me on a loop, forever
Missing one tiny patch of hair while shaving my legs and everyone staring at it later
Trying to separate my trash at Whole Foods into compost and recyclable and putting the wrong material in the wrong bin**
My foot falling asleep AND THEN NEVER WAKING UP
Becoming famous for something really dumb
Finding a secret passageway to another vortex or a time machine but no one believing me
The working world one day decides to start taking grades like high school all over again
Basically any version of “high school all over again”
Whales
My alma mater calling me up and saying, “Hey, remember that college degree you got? Joke’s on you! Totally photoshopped!”
Not drinking enough water and turning into a human cactus
Washing a piece of clothing that clearly says “Dry Clean Only” and like, the Laundry Police showing up and arresting me
Being the only person off beat in a crowd clapping situation
The bottle of hair dye I bought ends up being straight bleach/lacquer thinner
Breaking a ukulele string
Writing the wrong amount on a check
Calling someone my best friend or boyfriend and them totally not agreeing and looking at me like a crazy person
Toe socks
Sneezing while getting a tattoo and it being messed up…FOREVER
Never getting a real job and forever being an intern/assistant and then just turning 80 and being like, well, I tried
Putting too much garlic salt and/or sriracha and/or cheese on something and ruining it
Just kidding. What’s “too much cheese”?
You and I both.
You know I’m irrationally afraid of being sick (at all, in any way) and then, ironically, I’m afraid of doctors.
Also, to add on the fear of hair dye– I have a fear of using shampoo that someone let me borrow or was put in a shower for guests to use, and it being filled with Nair or something of the like as a cruel joke, and me coming out of the shower, drying my hair and pulling out huge chunks, leaving me with bald patches all over my head.
I loved reading this :)
I have an irrational fear of people turning down the car radio all ninja-fast and I’m singing the wrong lyrics. At the same time. That or getting a haircut and saying “Just like, the smallest fraction possible. I mean, I don’t even want it to look I even HAD a haircut, really.” And then I end up with a bob or really bad bangs.
I totally worry about the Truman Show thing. Like, right now I’m wondering if you including that in your list was somehow a coded hint to me to help me figure it out and escape the hermetically sealed dome I’ve lived my whole life in observation until now!!!!
Clowns. Anything or anybody in a mascot suit. That holds true for me, a little more heavily than i like to admit. Christmas time is the worst when there are Santas everywhere.
Similar to the Truman show, i’m actually scared about there being hidden video cameras in every hotel room i check-in in and every changing room, planted there by perverts and peeping toms.
GIRL. i totally get the mascot thing. you’re not alone.
Mascots and clowns. THEY COULD BE ANYONE. DONT LET THEM TOUCH YOUR CHILDREN.