I would wear nothing but denim and pull it off
I would work on cars all day
I assume that I would crave steak and potatoes (more than I already do)
I would be sad that the world stereotypes me and tells me that I can’t have emotions or reactions to anything that’s not just grunting
I would make more fart jokes, let’s be honest
I might watch more sports, or I might just turn on golf and take a nap, because that’s what televised golf was created for
I would order tough sounding drinks even when I wanted the fruity margarita
I would worry about my hairline too much
I would eventually find a good cologne that works for me and smell amazing and not realize how much girls are attracted to smell, like seriously, that is a huge factor
I would complain about shaving and say I wish I didn’t have to, even if I actually hate my beard because it comes in red and patchy
I wouldn’t know exactly what I wanted in a relationship either, but would probably hate the double standard that I’m supposed to have it all figured out and take charge and “Be A Man” in the dating world
Maybe I would finally understand the appeal of Megan Fox?
I would try to be a Barney Stinson but would always end up being a Ted Mosby
I would feel overwhelming pressure to be the breadwinner in my family and that would frustrate me
I might, like a little bit, but for the most part, wouldn’t quite understand the complexity and anxiety that comes with picking the right hair salon, and maybe that’s okay
Even if I wasn’t a ‘fighter’ by nature, I would still defend my Mama’s good name and my favorite band, because some things are just sacred
I would listen to Beyonce’s “If I Were A Boy” and be like OH NVM, THIS ISN’T RELEVANT, BECAUSE I AM ONE
I would try to be a good son, a trustworthy father, a loving boyfriend and a man of honor
I would also try to have all the high scores in all of the video games
I probably wouldn’t use as many emoticons in my text messages, but hey, who knows
I would just be trying to get along in this world without being called a jerk, too masculine, too feminine, power-hungry, womanizing, overly-sensitive, a bad listener or simply “the wrong kind of guy” that I’m told about constantly from my peers, the media, and delusional women’s magazines
I would try to be James Brown, Han Solo, Mr. Rogers, Robert Plant, Frank Sinatra, Woody Allen, Ryan Gosling, Jim Henson, Indiana Jones, Lester Bangs, Jack White, James Dean, Albert Einstein, John Lennon, Stephen Colbert, J.D. Salinger, Bruce Springsteen, Marc Jacobs, The Old Spice Commercial Guy, Johnny Cash, Joss Whedon, Jimi Hendrix, Ron Swanson, Andy Warhol, Don Draper, Freddie Mercury, and Johnny Bravo all rolled into one.
And for better or worse, I’d probably still blog about all of it.