I Used To Be So Reassured (+ Time Travel!)

Hi, internet. I’m still unemployed for those of you wondering (all 3 of you) and I don’t say that to make you feel sorry for me, just to keep you informed and because well, it’s part of this story.

You see, when you’re unemployed, you have a whole lot of free time on your hands. During my large block of free time today, after filling out applications and googling pictures of puppies (because that is another essential task), I decided to go back and clean up some of my old blogs, seeing as I’ve had quite a few. I was going through old entries from several blogs ago (oh yes, I was one of those special breeds of the internet generation that had a blog in middle school and high school…and God bless your heart if you read them and are still deciding to read my words now) and I found this:

April 1, 2008: “There’s a few future plans I have planned out and heard more on lately, but overall, I’m just trusting God and putting it all in his hands. I hardly know everything, but what do I know? I’ve got a list of books to read and a set of records and box sets of LPs that Olivia is letting me borrow that I can’t even believe I am actually hearing and that amaze me. There’s also a graduation date to look forward to. And larger than that, I’ve got an intense passion for music that overwhelms me sometimes, a family and group of friends that I run out of fantastic adjectives for, and a desire to serve in some way. I know that those will be there no matter where I’m living or what I’m doing years from now, and actually, yes, that’s very reassuring.”

I wrote it almost exactly 4 years ago, about to graduate high school. The “box sets of LPs” were the Live 1975-85 Boxset and I was juuuust beginning to listen to Bruce Springsteen. I was 17, I was idealistic, and I was so reassured.

I’m definitely not the same girl I was then. I look different in nearly every way and I sound different too. I drink a lot more coffee than I used to four years ago and since then, I’ve also touched Bruce Springsteen’s guitar while he was playing it. In comparison to four years ago, I’ve picked up a ukulele and guitar, fortunately, and unfortunately, I read less books. I am, for all intents and purposes, better than I was four years ago, more educated than I was four years ago, and older than I was four years ago (duh) but that peace and reassurance about the future and about my life that I had four years ago? I’d give anything to have those back, instead of this post-grad anxiety.

I have been obsessed with the idea of time travel for years. No, really.  REALLY OBSESSED. Back to the Future was my Dad’s favorite movie and was on repeat growing up. Marty McFly stole my heart at a young age with his orange vest and guitar solo. Today I look into buying a used DeLorean on Ebay maybe once a month, and don’t even get me started on my adoration for Doctor Who and how I wish for the Tardis. Heck, I even loved Stargate and Battlestar Galactica for their crazy timeline drama. So, all this geekery and obsession leads me to love discussions about flux capacitors and what it might look like to go back into the past.  I talk about time travel with no qualms at all. However, reading something I wrote and craving to be able to write it again, to go back there when I thought I’d come so far, baffles me more than any space-time continuum.

Is it too weird to think that you should take advice from…yourself?

6 responses to “I Used To Be So Reassured (+ Time Travel!)

  1. Hey,
    I think taking advice from yourself about yourself is one of the best things people can do. Who knows you better than you? I’m going through the same issues you are with this whole uemployment thing and I’m finding it very hard to stay positive. But at the same time, I’m in a place mentally that I can’t have imagined being in 4 years ago.
    While this has turned out to be such a hard time, I keep thinking that it’ll be something I can be proud of later in life. I don’t want to back down and get a job I won’t enjoy that will box me into a career I won’t enjoy, so i figure if i tough it out, I can be happy to say that I stuck to my guns, or whatnot. And I understand that sometimes you need to ask for help. Whether it’s from family, an old collegue or a friend, there is nothing wrong with it.
    Sorry this was such a long reply. But two more things: 1) They will be releasing an electric version of the Delorean in 2013. 2) The Doctor Who cast is filming in NYC this Thursday so I might take a train into the city to stalk them.

    • I really love hearing from you and I couldn’t agree more. This time is SUCH a crazy, growing, confusing time to be looking for jobs, but I’m so glad to know I’m not alone! And hey, you STICK to those guns – I just know you’re gonna be working in television someday and I can tell everyone I knew you when you were rockin’ the Bobcat Update scripts. :) And AHHH I NEED THAT DELOREAN and AHHH YOU NEED TO GO STALK THEM! Find the Tardis for me and give it a hug.

  2. hey, no fear! you’re a lion, arent you?

  3. I went through the same thing after I graduated in May. I spent every day for months searching through job postings, tweaking my resume, and sending in applications. I had interviews for good and bad companies. It took me five months but I found a job–not the one I was looking for but a job nonetheless. Looking for a job and being disappointed is hard. Working a full-time job in an area I didn’t have experience in is hard. Every day I think about being an undergraduate, about the amazing adventure that college was. I could still be in school enjoying that life with my friends and you probably could be too, but there is no doubt in my mind that I made the right choice to graduate early and get a job. God had a plan for me that I could never have anticipated. No, I’m not in my dream job now, but I will be some day. Life is very hard right now (no need to sugarcoat) but these trials solidify my goals and strengthen me. Don’t lament being older and out of school. Trials and pain come at some point in everyone’s lives; be glad yours have come early. Serving others means you have to be strong. Use this time now to make yourself strong so you can serve others well later. Your first job is not going to be your dream job but be reassured that your dream job will come. God has a plan for you and it includes hard work and struggles. I’m not saying that to discourage you but to encourage you to jump into that time machine, head to the end of your life, and hear yourself say “What I did was good.”

    • HI SEAN! I haven’t talked to you in ages, but this comment is SUCH a breath of fresh air. First of all, CONGRATS on getting a job! Getting anything at this time is a blessing. And it’s refreshing to hear that it’s not so easy and takes time (truth, at least) but I am so glad to know I’m not alone!

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