Kickstarter Campaigns I Would (Actually) Support
I’m not here to laugh at real anxiety, because I suffer from it. But let’s be honest and say that I am not the best at judging fears and every now and then you have to take a step back and actually realize what it is that scares you and go, “really?”.
Here’s a small (not complete by any means) list of things I have been irrationally afraid of (or am currently still afraid of):
Doodles, the old chicken mascot for Chik-Fil-A
The Chuck E. Cheese gang of animals on the stage
Disneyworld, there’s just a lot happening
Basically anyone or anything in a mascot suit, always
The boulder from Indiana Jones showing up in my real life and crushing me
Accidentally being in the HOV lane illegally and not realizing it because the lanes are different in Tennessee
My moccasins becoming untied and me tripping over the strings
Sending a typo in a job-related email
Getting a cavity
The blades of my fan falling on me while I sleep
LEAVING MY CURLING IRON ON ACCIDENTALLY AND BURNING THE HOUSE DOWN
Someday being in a band that takes requests and then not knowing the song someone in the audience requested
Serving someone food that I made and them having an intense allergic reaction to it immediately
Losing my retainer in the ocean while scuba diving*
Living my whole life without knowing that I’ve been recorded 24/7 like The Truman Show
Running out of gas on any road, anywhere, as soon as my gas light comes on
My phone battery dying at the DMV
My phone battery dying while I am in line at the Post Office
My phone battery dying and there suddenly appears a puppy that I want a picture of
Getting to the register at any store to pay with a giftcard and finding out the giftcard has a balance of $0.00
Drinking something that is too hot and burning my tastebuds off forever, never getting to enjoy food ever again
Making a classic rock musical reference and no one getting it
Making a Buffy reference and no one getting it
Making an Arrested Development reference and no one getting it
Making references to things, in general
Someone reading my own blog aloud to me on a loop, forever
Missing one tiny patch of hair while shaving my legs and everyone staring at it later
Trying to separate my trash at Whole Foods into compost and recyclable and putting the wrong material in the wrong bin**
My foot falling asleep AND THEN NEVER WAKING UP
Becoming famous for something really dumb
Finding a secret passageway to another vortex or a time machine but no one believing me
The working world one day decides to start taking grades like high school all over again
Basically any version of “high school all over again”
My alma mater calling me up and saying, “Hey, remember that college degree you got? Joke’s on you! Totally photoshopped!”
Not drinking enough water and turning into a human cactus
Washing a piece of clothing that clearly says “Dry Clean Only” and like, the Laundry Police showing up and arresting me
Being the only person off beat in a crowd clapping situation
The bottle of hair dye I bought ends up being straight bleach/lacquer thinner
Breaking a ukulele string
Writing the wrong amount on a check
Calling someone my best friend or boyfriend and them totally not agreeing and looking at me like a crazy person
Sneezing while getting a tattoo and it being messed up…FOREVER
Never getting a real job and forever being an intern/assistant and then just turning 80 and being like, well, I tried
Putting too much garlic salt and/or sriracha and/or cheese on something and ruining it
Just kidding. What’s “too much cheese”?
Stacks of waffles with lots of syrup. Afternoons on the couch in your comfy pants, and you go ahead and press the “Play All Episodes” on the dvd menu because you don’t have anything else pressing that day. Asking for help and receiving it. The perfect shade of red lipstick that doesn’t make you look crazy or comical, but instead just works on your skin palette. A warm dog snoring on your feet and you want to move them because they are falling asleep but you don’t wanna wake him up. Gooey hot melted cheese on top of al dente pasta. When someone’s obnoxious ringtone goes off in a quiet place like the DMV or church and everyone tries to hold in laughs. Reading a bible verse or quote that sticks with you. A good haircut. Cups of coffee with the right ratio of sweetness. Sequins on everything. When the quiet person in the room gets up to sing karaoke and totally kills the high notes with finesse. Unexpected hand-written mail. Forehead kisses. Eggs and bacon. Books or movies that people told you were phenomenal, that actually live up to all the hype. A good stiff drink after a long day of stresses. Sunglasses that make you feel like a rockstar when you put them on. Making all the green lights when you really needed to be there on time. Dinner with family, even if it only lasts 15 minutes. Cinnamon toast. When the band finally takes the stage at a concert and plays that first perfect note, and you forget how much your feet hurt from waiting for them for 2 hours + soundcheck. Tall boots and patterned socks. Naps. When your stomach hurts from laughing and you can’t even remember what was so hilarious but you also can’t stop cackling. A good record on a Saturday night. Knowing when to say no and sticking to it. Old photographs that make you happy thinking about the memories, not sad that they are over. Adventures! Big headphones. Baby animals. Old friends that are on the same page even after years. New friends that click instantly. Coworkers that become friends. Even the friendships and relationships that are hard-won because they took a while to work out. Fires and s’mores. Novelty license plates. Little dates in the afternoon. Theme parks with short lines. Pretending you’re a mermaid in your bathtub even at 22 years old. Getting a second interview and doing that happy dance in your room by yourself. That really good first streeeetttchhhh in the morning when you first wake up. Hyping The Hobbit in 3D. Going to the museum and pretending the dinosaur skeletons are chasing you. Christmas music. Caramel apples. Taking the wisdom of your parents and it paying off. Singing at the top of your lungs. Acknowledging when people are nice and kind to you and telling them and appreciating them right then. Hugs. Walking to dinner. Phone calls from far away and phone calls from the next room over and conversations that you needed to have. Peanut Butter Goo Goo Clusters.
This week has been weirdly emotional. Connecticut was all over my twentysomething newsfeeds, and whatever was said, it was all still so polarizing. I have no words to write about it, no dramatic conclusion, no sweeping outpouring, except that life is small and short and so very often I forget to look around and appreciate it. I spend my time waiting on something to come, or a big career with bright lights, and I am so terribly ridiculously spoiled. I am a little spec in this big world but I have so much to be thankful for and so much to love.
So very much.
2.5 cups of strong coffee and i can pretty much conquer the world
16 or so of my best friends that i love that i miss so very much
0.5 months till i can finally listen to christmas music in public without being chastised or made fun of!
249382784539 dogs in the world that i want to adopt and love and snuggle
4 different layers that i am wearing today, because 59 degrees is cold when you are from texas, okay
6 foods that i usually aim to eat in some way as much as possible- bacon, cheese, avocado, sweet potato, jalapeno, honey
50 different places i’ve never been that i want to go to really badly
1,998 (and counting) pins on pinterest of things i don’t have, food i’m not eating and clothing i am not wearing and i wonder if this is healthy, BUT THEY ARE SO CUTE AND WONDERFUL
4 bobby pins required, at least if you’d like me to look presentable
16 hours of recorded shows on the DVR that i should probably watch one of these days
100,000 miles coming up on my odometer, so, okay i’ll buy the high mileage oil this time
8 more days till i go home and get to see my family and eat real seafood and texmex and play on the water and celebrate thanksgiving in style (!!!!)
1 extra shot in that chai latte, please, or i’ll nap
45 emails i need to respond to, 3 of which i am actually excited about
3 record players in our house, but who’s counting?
285 listens of this song and i am still blown away and in love and waiting on the tips of my toes for her new album to come out so i can buy it and listen to it all day and just RELATE
7 different to-do lists, but no, i’m not obsessive about them at all
100 new business cards that make me feel all official and professional and connected
3 months that i’ve lived here and i’m slowly starting to think of it as home
2 roommates and 1 huge dog that are all fantastic
1 cute boy who makes me pancakes in the morning
1 happy, somewhat healthy lion learning to make rent and how to have a job and how to be an adult
1 more thing: thanks for reading this blog
I am really good at identifying S Club 7 songs
I can complicate any “simple” order at a fast food restaurant and often do
I am really good at making other people do math for me because it gives me anxiety
I know the E! Channel’s afternoon programming lineup very well
I can paint with all the colors of the wind
I know how to twirl spaghetti on my spoon all fancy
I can carry up to 12 Venti beverages from Starbucks by myself and walk 5 blocks with them without spilling a drop
I know all the words to “It’s Raining Men”
I am excellent at driving around with my low gas light on for as long as possible before filling up again
I know all 4 of the Beatles’ birthdays, Bob Dylan’s birth name, and the kind of guitar Bruce Springsteen has used exclusively for most of his career
I am experienced at using “five more minutes” as an excuse frequently
I can waste several hours crafting the perfect playlist for the smallest seemingly-insignificant event or afternoon
I frequently create great life mottos like, “Someday I will use this in my screenplay” and “The cure for anything is more sleep or more coffee”
I am great at exhausting all my energy when adorable animals are around and trying to make them love me and cooing at them and singing songs to them and doing baby voices to speak to them
I identify colors I see with titles from the old Crayola box, including, but not limited to: Tickle-Me-Pink, Purple Mountain’s Majesty, Robin’s Egg Blue, Lazer Lemon, Macaroni And Cheese, Sienna, Burnt Sienna, Cerulean, etc.
I am a pro at taking naps, like, give me a few hours and a warm spot and I will NAP IT OUT
I am slowly learning how to sustain a real relationship on lengthy text messages, airport-terminal-embraces, skype calls til we both fall asleep, iced coffee dates, short visits, long goodbyes, and so so much borrowed time
I am skilled at actually wanting a job and not wanting to be a complaining twentysomething statistic like everything else I seem to read
I am always prepared to dance like crazy until my feet hurt and sing until I’m hoarse to good, loud, heartfelt rock and roll and never apologize for it
I worry that we are all just little collections of likes and dislikes, with detailed lists of each. We carry around these lists of our favorite and least-favorite things close to our chests, waiting to run into someone new and to share them to see if we have any in common. We quote movies and post song lyrics and claim ownership of hometowns– tightening our first around the things that we like, the things that we consume, the things that seemed to build us. It’s all just silly words and melodies and names and images, but it’s everything to us in a way. What we like is what we’re told to talk about, to pursue, and to share.
But it’s so small. Knowing a top 5 list is so miniscule.
Top 5 favorite movies. Top 5 favorite tv shows. Top 5 favorite bands. Top 5 favorite sports teams. Top 5 favorite books. Top 5 favorite sandwiches. Top 5 favorite websites. Top 5 favorite vacation spots. Top 5 favorite top-5-list topics.
It’s perfect when someone else’s 5 is the same as yours– you get a moment of swelling joy in thinking, “Yes! You get it! You understand me!” but that’s so cheap. Liking and disliking, comparing and sharing, it’s all so exhausting and so structured.
Because you can know someone’s favorite tv shows for years but never get the inner workings of their soul.
And I know that sentence doesn’t sound profound at all, but in a society of meticulously-placed tweets and highly-edited information released exclusively, it’s so frustrating to feel real camaraderie anymore. Not just “we-commented-on-the-same-blog-post” friendships, but the kind that cuts deep and knows.
The kind that not only knows that you take two splendas in your coffee, but that you tear up when you see elderly couples holding hands because it makes you feel a longing for a romance that society has told you doesn’t exist anymore.
Or the kind that knows you can’t miss NBC’s Thursday Night comedy lineup, but also that the thought of your direction in life is terrifying.
After almost 22 years, I’m nearly an open book, and the ink is still very wet. I’m eager to share anything that’s not appropriate for “dinner table conversation”, even as we are seated at the dinner table. I want to talk about the hard things that aren’t comfortable yet. I want to tell jokes that would make our predecessors blush. I want to chat regarding the failed relationships we’re supposed to act like aren’t proper discussion topics but are all we are aching to speak up about. I want us to talk about hurts and confusion and pain. I want us to talk about awkward kisses and embarrassing stories we swore to never bring up again. I want us to talk about anxieties that cut us down and overwhelming pride that make us seem almost too confident. I want us to brag obnoxiously and I want us to mope listlessly. I want us to talk about faith and love, and where we’ve lost both. I want us to talk about childhood dreams that never came true, as well as the small victories we never saw coming.
I’m scared that it’s easier for me just to run down my list, day after day and year after year. I like jalapenos, I like The Beatles, I like long text message conversations, and I like turquoise jewelry. I don’t like waiting in lines, I don’t like silences, I don’t like Two & A Half Men, and I don’t like humidity. But where does this get us? Sure, we can sustain conversation and keep up appearances for a long time, but sooner or later there’s going to be that moment where I want to tell you all about near-mental breakdowns and we won’t have made it there yet.
So, yes, I will cling to my favorite things and I will tell you about them in full. I will gladly repeat banter we heard in a scene or learn chords in a song. I will quote and recommend and discuss your favorites and my favorites and resurrect a shrine of our top 5s, displayed as perfectly as possible. But, I hope that maybe together, when we’re ready, we can let go of our lists. We’ll slowly release our grip and smooth out all the wrinkles in the paper from where we’ve held on so tight and we’ll put them all somewhere safe. And then, with our hands free and our usual topics taken care of, we can really talk.
And if in that moment you can’t think of the words to say, don’t worry. I’ll go first.
I would wear nothing but denim and pull it off
I would work on cars all day
I assume that I would crave steak and potatoes (more than I already do)
I would be sad that the world stereotypes me and tells me that I can’t have emotions or reactions to anything that’s not just grunting
I would make more fart jokes, let’s be honest
I might watch more sports, or I might just turn on golf and take a nap, because that’s what televised golf was created for
I would order tough sounding drinks even when I wanted the fruity margarita
I would worry about my hairline too much
I would eventually find a good cologne that works for me and smell amazing and not realize how much girls are attracted to smell, like seriously, that is a huge factor
I would complain about shaving and say I wish I didn’t have to, even if I actually hate my beard because it comes in red and patchy
I wouldn’t know exactly what I wanted in a relationship either, but would probably hate the double standard that I’m supposed to have it all figured out and take charge and “Be A Man” in the dating world
Maybe I would finally understand the appeal of Megan Fox?
I would try to be a Barney Stinson but would always end up being a Ted Mosby
I would feel overwhelming pressure to be the breadwinner in my family and that would frustrate me
I might, like a little bit, but for the most part, wouldn’t quite understand the complexity and anxiety that comes with picking the right hair salon, and maybe that’s okay
Even if I wasn’t a ‘fighter’ by nature, I would still defend my Mama’s good name and my favorite band, because some things are just sacred
I would listen to Beyonce’s “If I Were A Boy” and be like OH NVM, THIS ISN’T RELEVANT, BECAUSE I AM ONE
I would try to be a good son, a trustworthy father, a loving boyfriend and a man of honor
I would also try to have all the high scores in all of the video games
I probably wouldn’t use as many emoticons in my text messages, but hey, who knows
I would just be trying to get along in this world without being called a jerk, too masculine, too feminine, power-hungry, womanizing, overly-sensitive, a bad listener or simply “the wrong kind of guy” that I’m told about constantly from my peers, the media, and delusional women’s magazines
I would try to be James Brown, Han Solo, Mr. Rogers, Robert Plant, Frank Sinatra, Woody Allen, Ryan Gosling, Jim Henson, Indiana Jones, Lester Bangs, Jack White, James Dean, Albert Einstein, John Lennon, Stephen Colbert, J.D. Salinger, Bruce Springsteen, Marc Jacobs, The Old Spice Commercial Guy, Johnny Cash, Joss Whedon, Jimi Hendrix, Ron Swanson, Andy Warhol, Don Draper, Freddie Mercury, and Johnny Bravo all rolled into one.
And for better or worse, I’d probably still blog about all of it.