It’s Been A Year. I’m Still Here.

My hands itch.

My fingers are tingling to write down words, to type out something that matters. I want to prove myself but also feel comforted after expressing my thoughts. I want to be heard, I want to be clear, and oh, I want to be so clever.

But today, I don’t write.

Today every letter looks out of place and every phrase sounds cliched. My backspace key is practically on fire. It’s painstaking and I give up in the middle of every sentence.

Every idea seems old.

“It’s been done before.”

Someone else has written it and they have an award to show for it. Somewhere else there’s a clearer picture or a funnier joke or a more catchy melody.

Maybe I should just skip today. After all, I’ve said I would write more this month, but I’m not feeling it. And if I’m not feeling it, no one will care and it will just come out annoying and desperate and boring, and there’s enough of that on the internet and in real life already.

Am I a writer because I call myself one or because I actually write?

Am I only as strong as my most recent paragraph?

Why am I even writing this internal dialogue down?

Paranoia aside, sometimes creativity is like an ex-boyfriend that doesn’t call anymore, and then when he does, we practically get married in Vegas that night, but the next morning, I wake up alone, covered in glitter and only a few paragraphs to show for it.

Writing is weird and strange and uncomfortable. It’s waves of inspiration and self-criticism and trusting yourself to interpret things that sometimes require no words, and frankly, I’m no expert at it. Most days I’m mad at it, and most days I’m intimidated by it, but I keep coming back to it, and I guess that’s something in itself. I think half of your “dreams” are divine intervention and half are just being consistent and coming back to that same dream and working your ass off at it, and even then, failing and not meeting every expectation, but still coming back for more. Showing up every time you were supposed to give up and continuing to pursue it like it’s everything.

I bought LionHairedGirl.com a year ago, (officially today!) and I was so terrified that I’d end up a fake who never wrote anything and waste both my money and my ego on it.

But, for better or worse, I keep coming back.

There are very few circles where “I have a blog!” is the first thing out of my mouth. It’s equal parts exhilarating and embarrassing to think I have earned a very tiny bit of credibility in sharing my life and thoughts for the internet to read, but I continue to try my hand at running whatever this website you’re currently reading is and could become.

I don’t always know why I write or where I’m going, but I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for making this year as a ‘dot com’ so very meaningful. All of your encouragement towards my writing is the icing on a great wordsy cake, and I truly read every single comment and email, good or bad, with a happy heart that you read my words in the first place.

So, I’m here. Sticking around through “writer’s block” and “twentysomething syndrome” and too many puppy photos I almost put in every post, I’m still here, writing.*

*At least until Beyonce needs a stand-in, though. Then, I’m out.

Oh, and since you made it through this sappy and confusing post, here’s a song that knocked me over in the best way. I love words, and I love them even more when David Ramirez sings them:

I Will Never Write A Post About Crafting (Or, I Hate Waiting)

I learned long ago that “DIY” is not one of my strong suits.

My attention span is usually too short to craft, meaning that I leave projects half done, haphazardly put together and glue gun still plugged in, whenever something shiny passes by. I can’t focus on one thing because I find it easier to focus on 7 things, and so I’m half covered in glitter and full of great ideas, but never ending up with a final product and never thinking anything through to completion.

I would create more adorable home accents, but everytime I peruse my carefullly-curated Pinterest boards or favorite craft blogs, I end up seeing the finished products at Target and it’s so hard for me to not just buy them on site, thinking of all the time saved and frustation avoided, because when it comes to creating- though it pains me to admit – I’m not big on time spent. Call it a product of the internet generation coupled with my non-existent patience, but I absolutely hate waiting.

I mean, I HATE waiting.

I always smudge my nail polish because I move my hands too soon before it dries, I can never get my car all the way dry in the car wash because I’m ready to keep driving, and I have a compulsion to read books all in one sitting because I want to get to the next chapter and move the plot along.

I’ve been known to set out my clothes for a special event days earlier, as if preparing would speed up the calendar, and I have a long list of tactics and games to play while waiting in line, so that I don’t notice the time. I can tell you the roads to take that keep traffic moving, so that even if they end up taking more time to get to your destination in the long run, you never had to physically stop.

But, life is in a waiting period right now, and it’s driving me crazy. I’m not quite new in town but not quite a ‘local’, so I’m waiting for that transition. I’m still waiting on a job that aligns with my dreams a little more closely, or is at least full time. Plus, this whole bizarre stage is even more inviting, because everyone I know is here too. We’re all stuck in this waiting room of our twenties, falling between childhood and adulthood and waiting for the glue to dry. We’re not quite comfortable because we’re expecting the next thing and still looking for the big break.

Of course, there’s guarantee that the big deal will get signed or that we’ll become everything we dreamed, but what reason would there be to even get out of bed if we didn’t expect it? What motivation would there be if we weren’t hoping that something bigger was coming? Why would we ever try if we didn’t think there was even a .01% chance that the almost-meaningless tasks of our day would eventually lead to something even better?

So, what is there to do except swallow the bitter pill of not being settled and hang a few curtains and call this waiting room home? Because it’s going to be more ‘almosts’ and more rejection and more part-time and more waiting and waiting and waiting, but at the very least we can give it a good soundtrack and spruce up the place and write it down so that someday when we’re all on a big porch drinking the sweet tea of adulthood, we can remember that it came from sleepless nights and watching the clock and the comraderie that can only come from wishing and hoping and hustling and waiting and waiting and, yes, waiting.

As I get older (and hopefully wiser), I will try and craft, just for the heck of it. I will spray paint my bed frame gold and barely make a friendship bracelet and maybe stain a wooden table, but more than anything, I will go ahead and buy the confetti, because when this wait is finally over, I can promise you, cross my Texas heart, that I am going to throw the whole entire bag of it into the air.

It’s going to be a great day when.

It’s going to be a great day when you start your morning at the gas station, and a decent gentleman walks over, attempting to yell over your 444th play of Dan Croll’s “From Nowhere”, to alert you that you have a ‘small stick’ underneath your car, which, of course, added to the fact that you just replaced an alternator in the same car that sucked your 22 year old bank account somewhat dry and gave you 8 panic attacks, makes you somewhat nervous. However, it’s a “small stick”, right? I mean, how bad could that be? After all, April has already dealt you a pretty sucky hand of cards and there can’t possibly be any more dramatic events to take place, especially before 9 AM on a Monday, because that would just be cruel, right? I mean, seriously, whoever decided this month would bring such bizarre events and circumstances had to have been just putting together a mock script for the next season of GIRLS or at least really wanting to test the phrase, “laugh so you don’t cry”. And you don’t even remember running over a stick, except maybe that tree branch that fell during the storm the other night that you swerved out of the way to avoid, just like a defensive responsible woman of the open road. Besides, you like nature (sometimes) and it shouldn’t be intimidating and I’m sure you can toss that small stick and be on your way before your coffee in your cupholder gets cold, right?

Right?

Or- maybe April just wanted to teach you one more thing, and it’s to check your surroundings or always expect the unexpected or to laugh at everyday miracles or, I don’t know, maybe to look out for ENORMOUS STICKS UNDER YOUR RAV4.

But, I mean, hey, at least Ace has a new toy.

(*Also, you really earn points as a “go-getter” and “independent lady” with the guy selling newspapers at the gas station when you reach down at 8:45 AM in business casual dress to pull out half of a small tree from the undercarriage.)

Things I Have Been Irrationally Afraid Of

I’m not here to laugh at real anxiety, because I suffer from it. But let’s be honest and say that I am not the best at judging fears and every now and then you have to take a step back and actually realize what it is that scares you and go, “really?”.

Here’s a small (not complete by any means) list of things I have been irrationally afraid of (or am currently still afraid of):

Animatonic Santas

Doodles, the old chicken mascot for Chik-Fil-A

The Chuck E. Cheese gang of animals on the stage

Disneyworld, there’s just a lot happening

Basically anyone or anything in a mascot suit, always

The boulder from Indiana Jones showing up in my real life and crushing me

Accidentally being in the HOV lane illegally and not realizing it because the lanes are different in Tennessee

My moccasins becoming untied and me tripping over the strings

Sending a typo in a job-related email

Getting a cavity

The blades of my fan falling on me while I sleep

LEAVING MY CURLING IRON ON ACCIDENTALLY AND BURNING THE HOUSE DOWN

Someday being in a band that takes requests and then not knowing the song someone in the audience requested

Serving someone food that I made and them having an intense allergic reaction to it immediately

Losing my retainer in the ocean while scuba diving*

Living my whole life without knowing that I’ve been recorded 24/7 like The Truman Show

Running out of gas on any road, anywhere, as soon as my gas light comes on

My phone battery dying at the DMV

My phone battery dying while I am in line at the Post Office

My phone battery dying and there suddenly appears a puppy that I want a picture of

Getting to the register at any store to pay with a giftcard and finding out the giftcard has a balance of $0.00

Drinking something that is too hot and burning my tastebuds off forever, never getting to enjoy food ever again

Making a classic rock musical reference and no one getting it

Making a Buffy reference and no one getting it

Making an Arrested Development reference and no one getting it

Making references to things, in general

Clowns

Someone reading my own blog aloud to me on a loop, forever

Missing one tiny patch of hair while shaving my legs and everyone staring at it later

Trying to separate my trash at Whole Foods into compost and recyclable and putting the wrong material in the wrong bin**

My foot falling asleep AND THEN NEVER WAKING UP

Becoming famous for something really dumb

Finding a secret passageway to another vortex or a time machine but no one believing me

The working world one day decides to start taking grades like high school all over again

Basically any version of “high school all over again”

Whales

My alma mater calling me up and saying, “Hey, remember that college degree you got? Joke’s on you! Totally photoshopped!”

Not drinking enough water and turning into a human cactus

Washing a piece of clothing that clearly says “Dry Clean Only” and like, the Laundry Police showing up and arresting me

Being the only person off beat in a crowd clapping situation

The bottle of hair dye I bought ends up being straight bleach/lacquer thinner

Breaking a ukulele string

Writing the wrong amount on a check

Calling someone my best friend or boyfriend and them totally not agreeing and looking at me like a crazy person

Toe socks

Sneezing while getting a tattoo and it being messed up…FOREVER

Never getting a real job and forever being an intern/assistant and then just turning 80 and being like, well, I tried

Putting too much garlic salt and/or sriracha and/or cheese on something and ruining it

Just kidding. What’s “too much cheese”?

*I’ve come extremely close
**And everyone there laughing at me for not knowing what goes where, everyone in their perfect hipster Whole Foods outfits and fixed gear bikes

Things Girlfriends Do

I was never given the manual on this.

You know, “The Girlfriend Manual”.

I was never told how many days I wait before I call you ‘official’, before I move you to my phone’s “favorites”, before I see something at a store and mentally bookmark it as a gift I want to buy for you later.

I was never told if I’m supposed to draw your name with hearts on my notebook, steal your jacket to wear, if I’m supposed to change my Facebook profile status, or put “#blessed” as the caption of every photo of us.

I don’t know the appropriate responses or have the scrapbooking material for “The Story Of Us” and I don’t know where to get them.

And then, of course, there’s the rules.

If I make you dinner, I’m revoking all my feminist powers. If I lean over to kiss you at a stoplight while it’s red, I’m too touchy-feely. If I agree with you, I have no opinion of my own, but if I disagree too much, I’m mean and bitchy. If I call you daily or, heaven forbid, text you two times in a row before you respond to the first one, I’m clingy. If I make you a mix cd, I’m cheesy. If I make you pay, I’m old fashioned. If I ask to split the check, I’m not grateful and am insulting your job and manhood. If I offer to pay, I’m emasculating you. If I buy you clothing, I’m too mothering. If I introduce you to my parents, I’m moving too fast. If I don’t introduce you to my parents, I’m not interested at all. If I like what you like or try to understand your interests, I’m trying too hard. If I don’t like what you like, then we have nothing in common and are doomed to fail. If I ask who that girl was, I’m jealous. If I don’t ask who that girl was, then later on I’ll be told I “should have seen the signs”. If I talk to other men that aren’t you, I’m a flirt. If I don’t like your friends, I’m a horrible person, but, if I try too hard to “bro” out, then it’s fake. If I get excited and call you my boyfriend and enjoy spending time with you and actually maintain a somewhat traditional stable relationship, then I’m a sucker and just “one of THOSE girls”, but if I’m not interested in a relationship, then there’s something wrong with me.

So it’s a bigger society issue, I guess.  This really is a bigger, more in-depth blog post that I should take more seriously. I should really investigate culture’s laws for “women in relationships” or the way pop culture tells you to be a “girlfriend” or the constant criticism of young women that makes growing up or raising a daughter in this twisted world seem terrifying, but really, I just wanted to say that I’m glad I never got the manual.

Because, from what I can tell, you haven’t read it either, and that puts me at ease.

So, you do you, and I’ll do me, and we’ll figure out ‘us’.

And I ‘ll try to stop writing about it so often, because, that’s probably something girlfriends do.

Stop Waiting

Whenever I have a tiny little idea, I always seem to entertain the thought of, “oh, I’ll write that down and flesh that idea out when I’m in my WRITING PERIOD! of life,” as if some magical time will happen where responsibilities are lessened, I have no deadlines or day job, and I sit with a brand new Macbook Pro, blank document opened in Word and cursor blinking eagerly, and type out a masterpiece. I’m clutching a big mug full of dark roast coffee, wrapped up in a drapey oatmeal-colored sweater with thick black-rimmed glasses, hair perfectly “writer-messy-bun” styled, a warm dog (or 7) curled on my feet, and just the right amount of sunlight pouring in through the window, and I put together every great idea I’ve been harboring for years in perfect prose. Suddenly, looking up from my pages and pages of great words, I check my email to see that I’ve been offered a book deal, and my tv pilot spec script got picked up by Lena Dunham and Chuck Klosterman and it’s going to be directed by Cameron Crowe, and I just smile like I knew it would happen all along.

But I don’t think I’m gonna get there, and I don’t think that’s the point, anyway, except to point out that I have an overactive imagination. I think for now, writing using my broken laptop that has to be typed on slowly and gently and opened not too far or it dies, while halfway laying on an air mattress and reheating the coffee from that morning, occasionally crippled with anxiety, forever missing college, and always editing my work 12 million times will have to suffice.

I feel like my twenties keep telling me to stop waiting. Stop waiting to get comfortable to express your feelings, whether it’s in written words or just in life. Stop waiting on the perfect dream job to call, keep hustling and working in the progress. Stop waiting to try a trend, just dye your hair a ridiculous color, go on a weird diet, listen to strange music, flirt with the guy who just “isn’t your type”. Stop waiting for things to fall into place, just pick up those pieces and go, because a handful of broken pieces that still have the glue wet is better than no handful at all, and gosh, any other metaphor is probably better than that last one I made, but still.

Stop. waiting.

Stop waiting to get settled, and LIVE. Stop waiting to magically have time, make time, and drink a cup of coffee to stay up that extra hour to accomplish what you really wanted to get done that day. Stop waiting to write perfectly, and just write. Stop waiting til you’ve seen every great photograph to take one of your own, til you’ve heard every great song to write the best one, til you’ve read every great book and blog and heard every story to tell yours. Be inspired by others, yes, but stop waiting for them to do the work for you.

Here’s my promise- I’ll stop waiting and keep writing if you do, and I’ll meet you in ten years, when we’re all successful and accomplished. We’ll just laugh at our old insecurities and our old bogus excuses, while we look back on all we’ve created, smiling just like we knew we’d make it that far all along.

I’ll be the one in the oatmeal sweater.

On Rumours (I Want To Be Stevie Nicks When I Grow Up)

In case you’ve been living under a very conveniently shaped rock, you may have heard of a small band named Fleetwood Mac. And unless there’s a lot of room under that rock, you may know they released one of the greatest albums of all time – Rumours – in 1977. And under a very small pebble beneath that enormous rock, you may find the knowledge that the very same fantastic album was rereleased in an expanded edition this year with never-before-heard exclusive tracks and live demos.

But hey, a little less living under rocks and a little more, Rock on, Gold Dust Woman.

Rumours means a lot to me, and probably too much.

rumours2

(so close)

I owe this love to four great women – the first two, Christine McVie and Stevie Nicks, aka, the women behind the Mac. I’ve idolized their sound, their style, their melodies, their deep-understanding-of-relationship-emotions, and their lyrics and you don’t know how many times I wish I could go back in time and shake a tambourine alongside the both of them. The second two are my mom and my roommate Kathrine, both of whom understand my love for the album, and have played it for me multiple times.

If you’ve ever had any emotional reaction to a breakup or a rocky relationship, Rumours is for you. So basically, if you are a human being with a pulse, I am convinced that there is a song on Rumours that you need to hear, and will love. I don’t need to wax poetic about the fact that the album was recorded while the entire band was pretty much divorcing each other and caught up in relationship messes. After all, there are whole documentaries related to this fact, and they play on repeat at our house, but that’s neither here nor there. Who hasn’t taken the Stevie’s advice in Dreams? (I mean, players do only love you when they’re playing.) Who hasn’t wanted to yell out to a former flame to Go Their Own Way or that seriously, after this, they’re Never Going Back Again? If the bass line (that bass line!) and harmonies in The Chain don’t hit you hard, are you even breathing? Haven’t you wanted to tell someone, both simply and overwhelmingly powerfully, that “You Make Loving Fun? And, even if you’ve heard it in a million political campaigns, ‘Don’t Stop thinking about tomorrow’ is still true and powerful. And, mind you, this is all without even touching on the tears and the sweetness that Songbird is sure to bring.

But no, it’s not like I’m obsessed with this album or anything.

IMG_3697

I’ll sum it up easily. About a month or so ago, Kathrine and I went to go see The Long Players play Rumours in full. The Long Players are a Nashville local band full of expert musicans known for playing classic albums all the way through, with which me and Kathrine’s 40-year-old-white-man-taste in music, is extremely wonderful and helpful, considering most of our musical heroes are dead, no longer touring, or no longer together. Having never seen Fleetwood Mac live (yet), this performance had a lot riding on it, and it did not disappoint, to the point of even having old guitar players from Fleetwood Mac onstage (!!!). Even though it wasn’t 1977 and it wasn’t the real band, Kathrine and I sang every song with the fervor of superfans, surrounded by our favorite melodies. However, the best part came from when we looked around and noticed that the venue was PACKED, even so far as to find out it sold out that night, which, in Nashville, is unheard of. And in that packed crowd, we realized we weren’t alone in our love for this collection of songs and what they’d gotten us through, because everyone else there had the same feelings, even if they’d been listening to the vinyl since before we both were born.

There was a large group of women in the front row with us, and they kept turning to me and Kathrine and smiling, because I think they knew. I mean, they had to know, just like my Mom knew from a young age, that her singing “Landslide” in our home, along with my penchant for wearing ponchos, big blonde waves, and 70s fabric would make me love Stevie Nicks a great deal. But I am convinced that these women in the front row had to have known that Kathrine and I both strongly want to be Stevie Nicks when we grow up (or really, now) because they had wanted to be her as well. They had all wanted to drape scarves over a mic stand and wear flowy outfits and twirl around the stage and tell off past loves through the best lyrics, and they had lived that dream, growing up alongside her. Fastforward to now, and even though we were all a few years behind, together, ages 22-70, we were all Gold Dust Women, rocking on and swaying along with a tambourine to Mick Fleetwood’s solos and fills and sharing the harmonies (and emotional baggage) with Lindsey Buckingham.

And in that moment, more than anything, I remembered that good music makes you feel something, no matter how many times you’ve heard it. Good music makes you happy and sad and angry and honest, but it doesn’t try and tell you what to do. It simply sympathizes and fills you with the sense that you’re not alone.

Even though I’m not Stevie Nicks (yet), I still have Rumours to love.

And so Rumours continues to exist and evoke feeling, whether the full band tours again or makes new music. Rumours captures one small moment in time, 11 songs, and just over 39 minutes total of musical satisfaction – for me, at least. Rumours  is cheaper and more efficient than any therapist, worn-in and well-traveled and loved like a good pair of leather (and lace) boots that fit perfectly each time you put them on, and, in constant rotation on 3 separate vinyl copies in my house.

And even though I could spend a million more words on just talking about why “Silver Springs” is one of the best songs ever written should have been a part of the original album release (seriously), I’ll end this emotional album overflow with a quote that Kathrine has said time and again-

“Maybe one day I’ll love a man as much as I love Rumours…but probably not.”